The Spheres of Personal Control: Letting Go of What You Can’t Control
Do you get frustrated with other people’s actions? Do you wish they would change? Try this mantra: “You can’t control other people’s actions, only how you respond to them”. I often find myself using this mantra to move past my immediate reaction of frustration into what response will have the most positive impact for me and the other person. Would trying to change a person’s behavior be an efficient use of my time? Is correcting someone’s mistake really going to fix anything? Or how can I let it go and accept that I don’t have control over what other people do?
This doesn’t mean that we can’t get upset in certain situations. Yes, when someone cuts us off we may still feel like we want to honk our horn or yell out the window. Or when a friend leaves us out of plans our instinct may be to no longer trust them. However, do these reactions really benefit us? Are we trying to control things that are out of our control? And how do we move on from these initial reactions? Well, lucky for us, the first step is relatively easy: accepting that certain things are just out of our control.
Okay, maybe easy isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when you think about accepting your lack of control. Wanting to have control over things is normal! Humans tend to fear uncertainty and control is a way to limit that. Control gives us a sense of stability and safety. However, the world doesn’t revolve around each of us as individuals; therefore, there is A LOT that we just can’t control, no matter how hard we try. Once we know this, then we can focus on what IS in our control and make a bigger impact. How do we do this? By understanding the spheres of personal control.
Prep Your Mind
The graphic below is from PositivityPsychology.com. It outlines three spheres: the sphere of concern, the sphere of influence, and the sphere of control. Before we dive deeper into what each one means and how we can use each to our advantage, take a moment and look at some of the examples. At first glance, which ones do you find yourself trying to control? Are there any that you feel take up a lot of your attention or often affect your mood? Make a mental note of these or write them down.
Now, what do each of these spheres mean?
The Sphere of Control → Areas that fall into this sphere are things that we have full control over. As the graphic outlines, this includes our words, behavior, and mindset. Notice that these are all areas that have to do with YOURSELF. This is where we should be directing most of our energy towards to have the biggest impact on our lives. While the sphere itself may be the smallest, it often contains the most important aspects of life, like our core beliefs and how we treat other people.
The Sphere of Influence → This one can be a little tricky. When looking at the sphere of influence it is important to think about controlling your efforts, not the outcome. For example, we may be able to control who we vote for and encourage other people to vote for that person, but who wins an election is out of your control. By controlling areas in this category it may be possible to create change, but you should not focus all of your energy here. By keeping in mind that the outcome of our efforts will not always be what we want it to be we can direct our focus inward.
The Sphere of Concern → The sphere of concern illustrates areas that are important in our lives, but that we don’t have any control over. While these are prominent areas of life, we should not dedicate energy on trying to control or change them. This is where we have to remind ourselves to let go and focus on how we can control our reactions to make a situation better.
Reflection
Thinking back to your initial scan of the examples in the graphic, ask yourself where you are directing the majority of your concern and energy? If most of it is in the sphere of control, great! If not (which is the most common case), how can you redirect? One way to focus on what you can control is by creating a mantra highlighting your core beliefs and values. If you value kindness and empathy and find yourself getting angry at the person who cut you off, try repeating the phrase “I am kind and thoughtful”. Focusing on your beliefs allows you to redirect your thinking. So instead of laying on the horn and flipping someone off (we’ve all been there :) ) you are retraining your brain to focus on being kind and just moving on with your drive.
Learning what works for you will take time. Luckily our brains are flexible, they can be rewired and strengthened, just like our muscles. It takes practice, but just learning about the spheres of personal control and thinking about where you direct your energy is a step in the right direction.