How Our Relationships Shape Who We Are
“The key is to keep company only with people who uplift you, whose presence calls forth your best.”
Epicteus
Ever wondered how the people in your life shape who you are? Our relationships, whether familial, romantic, platonic or however else you describe them, are important factors in how we view ourselves and the world around us.
You may have a person in your life that makes you feel happy when you are around them. They might give you a sense of comfort, make you laugh, or make you appreciate the little moments in life. You also may have someone in your life who doesn’t bring you as much…joy, let’s say.
They may make you feel annoyed, negative, or uncomfortable. The way someone makes you feel may actually be a way to understand yourself.
When I was a few years into my consulting career, I worked very closely with a super-smart colleague and friend of mine. We were working on a complicated project that had some “bumps” in the road. One morning after a bit of a difficult day, my boss asked to talk to me. When we sat down I said, “I know what you are going to say”. He looked surprised. “You are going to tell me that I am getting dragged into the negativity of my colleague and that you need me to be me - be positive, look for solutions etc”. I knew he was going to say this because the events the day before didn’t sit well with me overnight, I knew I wasn’t my best self in the meeting and at that point, I realized the impact of the people around me. What a gift this was so early in my career and what a great boss to create an environment for me to be able to face the truth.
We are all human, relationships are not perfect. However, what we can learn from each of our relationships, whether you view them as positive or negative, or some other label, is extremely valuable.
I recently came across an exercise in the book “The Source” by Dr. Tara Swart called the People Tree Exercise. In this exercise, you are asked to map out a few of your key relationships in a tree and list a few words that come to mind when thinking about each relationship. Ultimately, the exercise allows you to visualize what you have in common with the people in your life. You may even begin to realize why that one person always seems to annoy you, even when you cannot put a finger on why.
Listed below are the instructions from “The Source”. You can also download a PDF version to fill out and/or purchase Dr. Tara Swart’s book below!
In your journal (or in the downloadable PDF below), draw a tree with five branches on it. On each branch, write the name of one of the five closest people to you. These could be a mixture of friends and family and colleagues, the people who feel most significant in your life at the present moment.
Along each branch, write five words that best describe that person. These can be positive or negative, and should sum up that person and what they mean to you.
It is often said that we are a combination of the five people we spend the most time with, so take a look at these words and see how much of them you recognize in yourself. Put an asterisk by words that relate to any strengths of your own you recognize and draw an X by the negative traits you share.
Think about how you can learn from the Xs. We are often most judgmental about others for things that deep down we fear in ourselves. Also, think about how you can further leverage your asterisks!
Write down what you learned somewhere that you can come back to. Can you think of any specific actions you can take based off those things? Write those down too!
When I did this exercise, I realized some of the people on my tree exhibit ways of living that I want to do more of - like being in the moment and practicing contentment. I also committed to nurturing the strengths that I shared with people by learning how others display them.
With all self-discovery exercises, remember to do them with kindness and grace☺️