Combatting Perfectionism: Why Do We Want to Be Perfect?
“Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best”
- Henry Van Dyke
Many of my clients are self-proclaimed perfectionists. While they think their drive for perfection has served them well, they often uncover that it is holding them back. Perfectionists tend to equate excellence and success with being perfect, labeling anything less than as failure. This black-and-white view of achievement limits our learning opportunities and puts all the pressure on an outcome, rather than the process. Instead of learning from mistakes and growing, perfectionists may avoid them altogether. As a result, they often feel stuck, disappointed and unchallenged.
Some perfectionists don’t speak up in meetings out of fear their input might be judged. This prohibits them from being seen as leaders and erodes their self-confidence. Others are always thinking about how they could have done more, so when people tell them they did a good job, they don’t believe them.
Perfectionism looks different for everyone. No matter how they show up, noticing your perfectionist tendencies can be the first step to combat them.
The cost of perfectionism runs deeper than many may realize. Perfectionists often exhaust themselves attempting to orchestrate flawless outcomes in every situation. While this can fuel achievement, the relentless pursuit of perfection creates an undercurrent of stress. Health and relationships suffer, and caught in an endless cycle of striving, perfectionists often miss the joy that can come from celebrating their achievements.
Understanding how perfectionism shows up can help us recognize when we may be putting too much pressure on ourselves or others. There are three types of perfectionism, all with a common theme, creating unrealistic standards. Self-oriented perfectionism can be described as putting unrealistic pressure on oneself to be perfect. Other-oriented perfectionism deals with unrealistically expecting others to be perfect. Socially-prescribed perfectionism is when you believe that other people expect you to be perfect and that those other people will be highly critical of you if they fail to meet expectations.
Often, the pressure for perfection is a combination of all three.
One of my clients realized that one of the costs of being perfect was that she was not taking any chances. When she changed her mindset, she started focusing on the process rather than the outcome. She was able to take chances, enjoy the successes and even the failures. Her willingness to let go brought more joy into her life, and a promotion! So, are you ready to embrace imperfection?
Here are some suggestions to help you let go of your perfectionism. Build them into your routine and enJOY the process:
Celebrate Your Successes – write your success down, capture the feeling of success, share your successes with a friend, throw yourself a little party. This may feel funny at first, start small and let the practice grow. And remember, a success can be that you allowed yourself to fail
Reframe Mistakes to Learning Opportunities– all mistakes are learning opportunities, reflect on them, and ask yourself “what did I learn from them?” Tell yourself what you would tell a loved one about their learning opportunity
Set a Failure Quota - this may seem odd, but if you know you are going to fail a certain amount of times, you no longer associate failure with something negative.
Set Attainable Goals – before setting goals ask yourself if they are achievable (this doesn’t mean you can’t aim big, just be realistic), revisit goals as you grow and succeed and be flexible.
Start Small – break up big projects/goals into smaller steps, find a way to track progress and celebrate small wins along the way.
Take Breaks – Honor your need for rest. Go for a walk, meditate, stretch…anything that allows you to step away and remind yourself of your intent. Listen to your mind and body’s signals for rest – pushing too hard may get your results, but it steals the joy of your successes and can lead to burnout.
Share Your Learning Opportunities - voicing your mistakes to others will help you let them go, gain perspective and learn.
Remind Yourself You Are Good Enough – Replace your inner critic with self-acceptance. When your inner critic starts up, return to this truth: “I did the best I could in that moment with the information and experience I had.” This isn’t a comforting lie – it’s a powerful acknowledgment that growth comes through experience and mistakes.
As with any journey to self-discovery, it is important to give yourself grace.